


We Need To Talk About Dolores

by xslytherclawx



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Gossip, Humor, Season/Series 01
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:33:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28440204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xslytherclawx/pseuds/xslytherclawx
Summary: “Am I the only one concerned that Five seems to be in love with a department store mannequin?”
Relationships: Allison Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves & Luther Hargreeves
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	We Need To Talk About Dolores

**Author's Note:**

> this has been sitting in my gdocs drafts for a year and i think it's funny

“Am I the only one concerned that Five seems to be in love with a department store mannequin?” Luther asked.

“Just the top half,” Klaus corrected.

“That’s… somehow worse.”

Diego shrugged. “The guy was on his own for, what, fifty years? She was probably the only thing left that even looked human besides him.”

“But now he’s back,” Luther said. “So shouldn’t he… you know, find a real person.”

“He’s like a sixty-year-old man in a thirteen-year-old’s body,” Allison said. “Who, exactly, is he supposed to be with instead?”

“That’s a good point,” Klaus said. “Besides, it’s not like he doesn’t sleep with her.”

“What?” asked Luther. The worst part was that even  _ Diego _ looked a little surprised – but Allison didn’t. Which was…  _ interesting. _ Klaus would have to pick her brain about that later.

“He as good as told me.”

Luther scoffed. “With you, ‘as good as’ is  _ not _ as good as.”

Klaus rolled his eyes. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know what I mean, Klaus.”

“Listen, I said something like… about how he hadn’t had sex with anyone, and he told me that wasn’t true and started going on about Dolores, so… make of that what you will.”

“How could he…?”

“Do you want my theories?” Klaus asked. “Because I don’t have the details  _ exactly, _ but I do have some theories. I mean, don’t ask me how I know this, but don’t mannequins have holes in the bottom? Like where you connect the bottom pieces to the top?”

Luther pulled a face. “What.”

“Listen, Luther, who are we to judge?” Klaus asked. “I mean, he’ll probably kill us if we do.”

“Besides, it’s not like he’s not hurting anyone,” Diego said.

“Exactly,” Allison agreed. “And I don’t see how jumping on him about this will do anyone any good.”

“It won’t. Unless you want him to kill you.”

**Author's Note:**

> come visit me on [tumblr](https://xslytherclawx.tumblr.com/)!


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